Attachments

“Can you remember who you were… before the world told you who you should be?” Sanaa Lathan

Happy New Year!

I entered 2018 and these were the first words I read. Last year I had many disappointments and through those disappointments, I learned many lessons. My ultimate lesson was that I was not fully being my authentic self. I needed to be bolder, more confident and the woman I always wanted to be.

Attachments

I spent six months exploring my attachments, my thoughts, and my behaviors.I have studied and taught mindful meditation and in my practice, I have learned the power of attachments. The difficult thing about attachments is that we are so connected to them we may not recognize what our attachments are, good or bad.

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Labels

For many an attachment may be a label…” you are skinny”, or a job/career…” you are an executive”, or being a mother… “you are a great mother”. The complicated thing is that with each label comes everyone’s expectations: your spouses, your daughters, your employees…the world.

But what about your expectations? What about your needs?

How attachments affect us

These attachments guide us in such an intense way that it dictates our actions, our thoughts and our behaviors. Through meditation, prayer and the search for my authentic self, I am becoming the authentic woman I always wanted to be.

 Your New Year Challenge

In this new year, I challenge you to take a look at some of the attachments you may have, that are holding you back from being your authentic self. Remember in everything we do, we are modeling for our daughters.

“Every New Level of your life will demand a different version of you “  – Leonardo DiCaprio

 

 

Mothers share your experiences…

“Please come walk with me on the beach” I said to my thirteen-year-old daughter Kennedy…and to my surprise without any hesitation what-so-ever she said “OK .” We walked down the beach and we talked about the sounds of the ocean, her friends and some famous instagram person she follows. I love hearing her speak. I love listening to what is important to her at this stage of her life.  I also worry about her from time to time,  I worry about her future, friends and the social climate.

As we continued down the beach… out of nowhere I said to Kennedy ” I made two major mistakes in my life” I started to explain the first mistake and she became quiet. I explained why it was a mistake… and if I understood what I do now I would have made a better decision.  I stopped talking for a moment and to my surprise, Kennedy asked

” What was the other mistake?” Kennedy was not only listening …she was actively engaged.

12Here are three tips to know when or if you should  “Share your experience” 

1.When you just can’t get through to your daughter!
Chances are your daughter is more like you were at her age; than you remember! Reflect on a time in your life that will help her to “get back on track” and share it.

2. Timing 
This is the most challenging part of communication. Knowing the right time to share an experience.  Learn your daughter’s patterns of behaviors, choose a moment when she is happy and or relaxed and casually begin to speak.

3. To Teach Life Lessons
Without realizing it, I spoke to Kennedy about my mistakes to prevent her from making the same ones.  Share your story in an unassuming way and pause to get the feedback.

Happy Sharing!

Keep your eyes on the Prize

A week ago my sister and I took a relatively short road trip down to the New Jersey Shore. I love spending time with my sister because we have the unique bond of the discussing our upbringing. We often talk about the right or wrong things our parents did and what we do differently and what we loved.

We got on the subject of relationships with men, friends, jobs..etc (good and bad) …and that’s when my sister said something that would change my life forever! She said if I had one piece of advice to give a young girl it would be: “Always do what you need or have to do… NO MATTER what is going on”

Here are four tips needed to equip your daughters with the “Keep your eyes on the prize” mindset.images-5

  1. Teach your daughters to define who they want to be.

Allow your daughter’s freedom to be their true selves while giving them the guidance to stay on track.

2. Teach your daughters that they should always believe in themselves, even if no one else does.\  Many times we are “ahead of the curve” with our thinking, so keep on believing until others catch on.

3. Be Bold

Stand up when everyone is sitting down and do what needs to be done to accomplish your goals.

4. If and when you find yourself “off track” Get up as quickly as you can… and never look back.

 

“If there is no enemy within, the enemy outside can do us no harm”. –African Proverb

Ask and it shall be given unto you…

Mornings are crazy !!!!! It seems like the time speeds up but my world slows down.

“Kennedy, we have to go NOW!”

Kennedy responds, “Ok!”

Ten minutes later…she still isn’t ready.

Do you know what a ten minute delay means for me? Driving fast and stressing myself out. Kennedy and I also end up being late. We get in the car and there is tension and then of course, I have to give her a lecture.

The lecture always goes a little something like this:

“How do I run on the treadmill, do squats and sit ups, make your breakfast, bring it to your room, make your lunch and get myself dressed in time, but you can’t even put on your clothes and brush your teeth?”

Kennedy sits there and says nothing. I feel bad and our day is off to

a rocky start.

One day instead of yelling “Kennedy, it’s time to go!”

 

I decided to walk upstairs and address Kennedy differently.

“Kennedy, can I help you with anything?” I asked.

She looked at me and said, “Now that I have breasts, I never know what shirt to wear.”

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I almost cried! My 12 year old daughter was going through what so many girls her age go through…body image concerns. I sat in her room and we did a mini fashion show in order to choose the perfect blouse. Although we were both late 😳, my

 perspective changed and so did our mornings! Now, we choose shirts ahead of time and I have given Kennedy some pointers on dressing during puberty.

Next time, communicate with your child. You may be surprised by what’s on your daughter’s mind.

8 things my mother never told me … That I should have known

I love my mother, but we never really spoke. I wasn’t really sure what my mother thought of me. I knew she cared about me, my parents did an excellent job providing for me, but my mother and I never really communicated.download-1

I missed a lot of lessons growing up, I learned mostly from non-verbal communication. I often looked to my friends mothers for queues on parenting and thank God for my older sister…she often role modeled as a mother for me.

As I have lived my life I have had ups and downs, I have worked for years studying mothers, daughters and the powerful bond that exists; and in that time I have learned 8 things that I wish my mother would have told me.

 Lesson one : Live in your truth 

Be your authentic self… It takes courage to be your TRUE self! Don’t allow people to label you, be who you want to be. Live in your truth and be unapologetically you.

Lesson two: You are unique and valuable

Oh darling out of the billions of people on this earth there is only ONE of you. You have ideas no one has, a voice no one has and talents designed specifically for you. The world wouldn’t be the same with you. Let your light shine!

Lesson three: Learn to listen to your intuition and trust it

You always know… Trust your gut, your thoughts and your hesitations; they will always stare you down the right path.

Lesson four: Always Believe in yourself and demand respect

We all have doubts … use your doubts as fuel to enhance yourself. Understand yourself and trust in your abilities. Give and expect respect … Always

Lesson five: The universe is always on your side

Prepare yourself and take the leap! Live your life without regrets.

What you truly put in your mind to will happen.

Lesson six : You are more than enough

Make this your mantra, live by it and believe it.

Lesson seven: Failure and success are synonymous

I have always hated the word “failure”… I like the word “lesson” better. I have learned that in your greatest failure…you will find the magic of success.

Lesson eight: Never, never settle…. Never

Set your goals and work hard, smart and with commitment to achieve them. You deserve the best…do not settle!

Dr. Donna Cill

I hear your actions

mother_daughter_conflict_021205_1807_0024_lsls-624x415“The most important thing in communication is to hear what isn’t being said”   -Peter F Drucker

Effective communication is key to a successful relationship. Communication is one of the most critical skills that can “make you…or break you”. In the mother daughter relationship this skill has an incredible impact on the trajectory of your daughters life.

Let us talk for a moment about the critical nature of non-verbal communication. What is non-verbal communication: our gestures, facial expressions, distance, body language, body movements, distractions, touch, etc. According to Albert Mehrabian only 7% of communication is verbal which means …93% of communication is NON-VERBAL.

Here are Five tips to effectively communicateNON-Verbally “with your daughter :

  1. Timing

The most critical piece is knowing the correct time to have a conversation. Choose a time that you are both relaxed and in an “open” mood. Maybe cook your daughters favorite meal or go for a walk.

  1. Keep it Short

Be concise! Say it once or twice and stop.

Research has shown that advice from your mother holds a lot of weight. Trust me, your daughter heard you the first time. Saying something more than two times is considered “ranting” and it can cause your daughter to shut down.

  1. Planting the seed

The average persons immediate response is to reject a new idea. So take your time. Allow your daughter to “ease’ into the idea. Suggest something once on different occasions…if you do this correctly, without realizing it, your daughter will begin to believe your seed was her original idea.

  1. Smile

The universal language of approval and warmth.

  1. Pay Attention

When your daughter is speaking to you. Stop what you are doing, to show her that her words are valuable. In return she will learn to do the same.

Dr. Donna Cill

Mothers Are Best

Mothers are Best
Daughters Attest
Because She Lived.Could it be that my mother (Mama) is the inspiration that continues to propel me to be the woman I am – a beautiful, wise, kind, unique and compassionate person?

Could it be that Mama’s kind and humble persona, although completing only the sixth grade, was strong in character and fortitude?
She lived a very humble life putting others first at all times.  She lived in a shack in her homeland but no one who crossed her path was homeless…she always made room for them. She would not eat until we all were 537040_10151349335747856_924536225_n-1fed.  Mama lived for 95 years and when she was alive those who crossed her path experienced her love and care.Mama died on Sunday, January 20th 2013 at 6:20 pm.

Today and everyday I cherish her memory and remember the touch of my mama’s hand.

                                         Because she lived
Because she loved
Because she dared
Because she died
I have learned to live and love.I will share the celebration of her memory.  I will sing our favorite song– “You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, You make me happy when skies are gray, You’ll never know dear, how much I love you, Please don’t take my sunshine away.”

What is your favorite memory?  Your favorite song?  Let’s celebrate our LOVED ONES!

Family Matters

Hold them closely.  They are gifts from God.  Enjoy and cherish them.

Love, Love, Love — SHOW IT!  My Mama is gone.  Her legacy lives on.  Her love for God, family and all who crossed her path still resonates with us. Her selflessness and inner courage lives within us.

December 25, 1917 – January 20′ 2013

We continue to celebrate life because you passed this way.  We thank our God for your life.

 Written by my mother in memory of  her mother (Mama)